If only

If only I had been calmer

Not feeling with such intensity

A muted version of myself.

If only I had healed before meeting him

Had let go of the darkness that have shaped me

And was able to be only the glimmers

If only I had been gentle, patient, perfect

Maybe I could have been who he wanted

I could have been less

Less sensitive

Less emotional

I could have had the life of happiness he promised

If only I hadn’t been me

Maybe I wouldn’t have cried until my eyes ached

Hopeless and confused

If only it wasn’t him

Maybe I wouldn’t have endured this

I wouldn’t have endured this